WHAT TICKS YOU OFF?

Anger seems to be raging all around us these days. We feel threatened, and we're ready to snap. Again and again, we find ourselves in a fight or flight situation. 

Most animals on the planet respond to a threat by either fighting or fleeing. Ww humans get threatened, too, either physically or psychologically, and usually we use the civilized, modern method of fighting—with rage. Some words slash and wound; other words demean and destroy.  

“If you get angry easily, it may be because the seed of anger in you has been watered frequently over many years, and unfortunately you have allowed it or even encouraged it to be watered.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

Anger helps us prepare for potential danger.  The emotion stimulates adrenaline to alert the brain and arm the body to fight or flee a threatening situation, and that situation can be an assault to our core principles and beliefs. 

Rather than attribute our anger to our fears and vulnerabilities, we blame something else. That denial, justification, or lie disguises what's really bothering us. 

Protecting that vulnerability is a life-and-death matter to the angry person. Therapists assisting in anger management understand what fear means to their patients and do not eliminate the defenses and expose those fears prematurely. 

“Angry people want you to see how powerful they are... loving people want you to see how powerful YOU are.” Chief Red Eagle 

Six Fears (or Vulnerabilities) Anger Can Hide:
1) Anger can cover up hurt. Sometimes it's less threatening to show anger than to show we are hurt, ignored, or devalued. When we feel unlovable due to criticism or rejection, we respond with anger rather than admit our self-doubt.

2) Anger can be used to self-soothe our inner tension. For very sensitive people, any threat, real org imagined, can cause a constant state of insecurity. The release norepinephrine caused by anger numbs physical discomfort. 

3) Anger can hide the fear of emotional intimacy. People attach to one another through anger. Many couples use anger in their communication, relating to one another constantly on that basis.  It's a power struggle, and it's all they know.

4) Anger can hide self-consciousness. Combative or oppositional behavior often stems from being self-conscious and any situation that exacerbates that feeling will bring about an angry response.

5) Anger can hide self-empowerment. Unassertive people often use anger to gain a moment of power in relationships or in work situations.

6) Anger can hide sadness and/or grief. When a loved one divulges his or her own pain, we often resort to anger as a defense.  We are sad and have no ability to express our emotions except through anger. We want to rescue someone and we can't; we feel helpless and get angry.




In his book, Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Ger More Out of Life, Thomas J. Harbin says, “This intense desire to control is an attempt to maintain dignity in spite of low self-regard. Think about it. In addition to keeping everything safe, the exercise of power temporarily boosts angry men's low self-esteem. [...] Like many kings and other powerful people, however, angry men will soon doubt the affection of those they control. They will always wonder if they are "really" loved by family members, or if their family is just acting that way out of fear.” 

What do we do when the motion overtakes us?

Journal!  Writing out your feelings in specific detail gets those hostile, negative, counter-productive thoughts out of our boiling insides and onto the page.

Walk away. Take ten deep breaths. Exercise. Run around the block twice. 

“Whenever you are angry, take a beautiful object in your house and smash it to pieces. The pity you feel for what you have done is silly compared to what you are doing to your mind: taking a sacred moment to be alive and desecrating it by being angry.” 
― Kamand Kojouri

IS ANYONE LISTENING?

There's an art to listening well.

Hmmm, is anyone out there listening? 

I mean, do any of us these days actually stop and really listen to what another person is saying?

We're all guilty of listening only for validation of our own beliefs or for a pause so we can interject our own opinions or personal anecdotes. Eager to be sociable and popular, we grapple to dominate the floor, and it seems we often confuse talking with listening. 

Perhaps the real gift we can give another is to listen more deeply. 

How often do we listen from the heart to discover the true feelings behind the conversation? How often do we hear only a few words before we jump in with a story of our own?

"Oh, I've been through that myself," we say, and then we plunge into a long involved narration centered on ourselves. 

We look for ways to validate ourselves, to express our own views, to offer our beliefs. It's a matter of control. Everyone in any sort of relationship experiences being disregarded, omitted, or overwhelmed in conversation. We experience this at work and at home, with associates and those most dear.  

Stephen R. Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says there are five types of listening.  Does anyone you know use these techniques? Do you?

1 - Ignoring: not really listening at all.

2 - Pretending: humming along while not really following.

3 - Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear.

4 - Attentive listening: paying attention to the words.

5 - Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying to communicate.

Empathic listening, he says "is not about agreeing with the other (showing sympathy). It is about understanding what message the other is trying to convey. It is the only form of true listening."

And understanding is the key in many situations. We must first "seek to understand" before we can be understood. 

I'm working on improving my own listening skills, and I've learned that there are four things I should not do because they are not only unproductive, but egocentric.  

1 - Evaluate: do not immediately let the other know whether you agree or disagree;

2 - Probe: do not keep asking questions and investigating;

3 - Advise: do not counsel purely based on your personal experiences;

4 - Interpret: do not try to define the motives of the behavior based on your personal experience.

For emphatic listening, seek first to understand.

I evaluate, probe, advise, and interpret all the time! 

In order to change this egocentric, unproductive type of listening into emphatic listening, I should repeat what the other person has said and rephrase the content in my own words. 

When we do this, it demonstrates that we are listening and also understanding what the other is literally saying.  We need to focus on the emotions behind the words and rephrase the content and the feeling. This shows we are listening and understanding the message behind the words. 

Giving someone the feeling that you are truly listening has a great impact on your relationship. Remember falling in love and having a one-on-one conversation with that special person? That undivided attention transformed everything, didn't it?

No matter how intense the relationship, there comes a time when we no long really listen to one another.  

Does anyone really listen to me? Do I really listen with intent to anyone else? We're separated enough in our digital word and relationships are suffering because of it.

Listening? Hard work? 

Yep, like everything else, emphatic listening takes practice.