IS ANYONE LISTENING?

There's an art to listening well.

Hmmm, is anyone out there listening? 

I mean, do any of us these days actually stop and really listen to what another person is saying?

We're all guilty of listening only for validation of our own beliefs or for a pause so we can interject our own opinions or personal anecdotes. Eager to be sociable and popular, we grapple to dominate the floor, and it seems we often confuse talking with listening. 

Perhaps the real gift we can give another is to listen more deeply. 

How often do we listen from the heart to discover the true feelings behind the conversation? How often do we hear only a few words before we jump in with a story of our own?

"Oh, I've been through that myself," we say, and then we plunge into a long involved narration centered on ourselves. 

We look for ways to validate ourselves, to express our own views, to offer our beliefs. It's a matter of control. Everyone in any sort of relationship experiences being disregarded, omitted, or overwhelmed in conversation. We experience this at work and at home, with associates and those most dear.  

Stephen R. Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says there are five types of listening.  Does anyone you know use these techniques? Do you?

1 - Ignoring: not really listening at all.

2 - Pretending: humming along while not really following.

3 - Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear.

4 - Attentive listening: paying attention to the words.

5 - Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying to communicate.

Empathic listening, he says "is not about agreeing with the other (showing sympathy). It is about understanding what message the other is trying to convey. It is the only form of true listening."

And understanding is the key in many situations. We must first "seek to understand" before we can be understood. 

I'm working on improving my own listening skills, and I've learned that there are four things I should not do because they are not only unproductive, but egocentric.  

1 - Evaluate: do not immediately let the other know whether you agree or disagree;

2 - Probe: do not keep asking questions and investigating;

3 - Advise: do not counsel purely based on your personal experiences;

4 - Interpret: do not try to define the motives of the behavior based on your personal experience.

For emphatic listening, seek first to understand.

I evaluate, probe, advise, and interpret all the time! 

In order to change this egocentric, unproductive type of listening into emphatic listening, I should repeat what the other person has said and rephrase the content in my own words. 

When we do this, it demonstrates that we are listening and also understanding what the other is literally saying.  We need to focus on the emotions behind the words and rephrase the content and the feeling. This shows we are listening and understanding the message behind the words. 

Giving someone the feeling that you are truly listening has a great impact on your relationship. Remember falling in love and having a one-on-one conversation with that special person? That undivided attention transformed everything, didn't it?

No matter how intense the relationship, there comes a time when we no long really listen to one another.  

Does anyone really listen to me? Do I really listen with intent to anyone else? We're separated enough in our digital word and relationships are suffering because of it.

Listening? Hard work? 

Yep, like everything else, emphatic listening takes practice.